The Hard Part

Okay, I think we've established becoming a career alcoholic doesn't appear to be a viable option for me.  What a pity; I think it's something I would have excelled at right up until the day I died of liver failure. (Living in a perpetual fog does have a certain appeal though, doesn't it?)

Now what? 

I have applied for jobs for which I'm overqualified.  I have applied for jobs for which I'm under-qualified.  I have applied for jobs for which I am eminently qualified. I have applied for permanent, temporary, full time and part time jobs.  I've applied for jobs near and far.  I've applied for jobs so far away that by the time I deduct the cost of gas I'd be working for $5.00/hour.

I've committed the potential employer's automated email response to memory.  It's always a variation of:
Thank you for your interest in the ABC position with XYZ Company.  Because we receive hundreds of applications for each position posted, we are unable to respond to every applicant personally.  If we determine your qualifications best meet our needs, you will be contacted by our Human Resources department. Good luck to you in your job search. 

Suffice to say I have never met their needs.  

Do they even read all the applications?  Would it help if I had a Facebook account so they know what I look like?  Should I include a photo on my resume?  Should I leave my son behind and move to North Dakota where there are hundreds of jobs begging to be filled?

I saw a news story about a woman who lost her home and is living in a van down by the river.  It immediately conjured up images of Chris Farley in a Saturday Night Live skit - the unemployed ne'er-do-well idiot living in the van down by the river. Suddenly it doesn't seem so funny.

That incredibly sad news story was followed by an incredibly ill-placed commercial where a man said life is meant to be enjoyed; not endured. What a lovely sentiment. What a bunch of crap.  

Sitting at the computer all day pulling up employment websites, filling out applications and tailoring resumes may seem like the proper thing to do under the circumstances, but I'm telling you, it sucks the life right out of you. Every job you don't get further destroys your confidence. EVERY JOB YOU DON'T GET, SOMEONE ELSE DOES.  Why???  What's wrong with me?  

You know what I need? I need a vacation.  Maybe I'll never have the kind of vacation where I see the ocean again or walk on a beach, but a vacation from failure would be nice.

The hard part is trying not to think about what's going to happen down the road. The hard part is maintaining a positive attitude; or at least faking one.  The hard part is pretending everything's going to be alright when I know it isn't.  The hard part is the realization that even if I get a job tomorrow it won't be enough to change the outcome.  The hard part is trying to figure out what I should do in preparation for the inevitable.  Sell everything?  Put the house on the market even though it's worth half the purchase price?  Walk away?  Squat?

The worst part is knowing my son will be a victim of my demise and see what a loser I am.

The best part is knowing my father won't.